If You Only Knew
by earanemith
Summary: When her only son Nathan finally admits his best kept secret she had not even the slightest notion of the bond between mother, son and father will be tested. New ways need to form, journeys, dreams and hopes need to be changed.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Hello, long time since I had a new story and this one won't leave my head. So here you have it.**

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It had just turned dark as Ziva David-DiNozzo was brushing her youngest daughter Rachel's hair and putting it in a braid. Because just like her own hair if it was not braided while she slept the morning would be a living hell.

While she was putting the elastic around her hair she heard the soft words of her eldest children. Eden who just turned seventeen and Nathan who was sixteen. She heard them but she could not tell exactly what they had to say. And she respected their privacy. If it would concern something she should be worried about she'd feel it. Call it a mother's instinct.

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"Comeon Nate, You have to tell them at some point."

"Yes but"

"I know it's hard, but it's only mom"

"You don't know Eden, you never lied to them"

"I did"

"Yes, but mom caught on to your lie before you could blink your eyes."

"Okay yes. But."

"No Eden. I'm not telling her. I can't!" he said as he sat down with his head in his hands on his sisters' bed.

He felt the bed dip beside him where his sister sat down. He felt her wrap an arm around his shoulders. Growing up they had their differences, a lot of bickering that had driven their parents insane. But about five years ago things changed, the two seemed to finally grow out of their childish behavior. If it was for their little sister or cause of equal ground nor Tony or Ziva had know.

"Nate, please listen to me. I know your scared but do you really want to keep hiding?" Silence from Nathan "I know you don't or we wouldn't have this talk for the twentieth time. It's okay if you won't say it tonight you can wait until dad is back your choice little brother" after a quite 'not little' from Nathan she continued "Whatever you decide and whatever happens I'm always here for you"

A deep sigh "Okay" Nathan said as he stood up "I'm telling her tonight." He just was out of her doorframe when he turned back "Thanks Eden"

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"Mom?" A soft voice came from behind her when she was tucking Rachel in.

"Nate" his little sister piped up

"Yes Nathan?"

"Can I ummm talk to you?"

"Of course, I'll just finish Rachel's story. Go to the living room I'll be with you in a minute"

"g'night Nate"

"Sleep tight Rachel" he said before he left for the living room.

While he was sitting on the couch his hands started to sweat and he became more nervous each passing second. But he knew he had to do this. He had to tell his mom what he had been hiding for six years now, and Eden helped him cover for five. He took a deep breath when he heard her coming down the stairs. This was his moment of truth

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	2. Chapter 2

Finally assured that Rachel had fallen asleep Ziva walked down the stairs to her son. Already worrying a bit about what he had to say. His voice had sounded so sad and nervous when he asked her. She hadn't seen him this unsure he could talk to her since he was little and had wet his bed on the first Halloween he had gone trick 'n treating with his sister and father and had been a bit too scared of the costumes around him. And frankly when she walked through the hall and into the living room and saw his shoulders were hanging low just as his head, her heart seemed to sink to her stomach. Before she even sat down she turned to her son and asked

"Nathan, what is wrong? You look so sad"

"I need to tell you something that umm… I have been keeping from you and dad"

A thousands thoughts ran through her head. They seemed to spiral from worrisome to worse to even having her heart start to bounce faster.

"I know I should have told you the moment I started. But I was scared and I kept thinking it would not be okay, that I would not be okay and that…" Nathan had started to speak faster and faster, his breaths became shorter and tears sprung into his eyes.

"Nathan, Honey, breath it's okay" Ziva told him while she put her hand on his back softly rubbing up and down trying to calm her baby boy down. "Look at me" He did the first tear falling from his eye. "It's okay, you can tell me" she said while whipping the tear away. It hurt her so bad to see her son hurt like this. His words still hanging in her mind._ 'that I would not be okay' _when he almost flinched away she pulled her hand back.

Nathan saw this as his mother becoming scared, sensing what he was about to say. He wanted to shut up at that moment. Not tell her after all. It maybe better that she didn't know. Though now he took this step and sat down with his mom he couldn't turn back. Deep breath.

"It's been five years, I know you won't look at me the same, I just hope that I'll still be enough for dad and for you mom. Okay." Another deep breath before he blurred out his deepest secret "I'm a dancer, dancing is my life I know you and dad hoped on a football player but I love dancing so much more. I have been taking classes for the past five years."

Silence was all his mother gave back to him. Her son a dancer? Why had he hidden it form them? Was he good?

"Why….?" She started to say as the other thing that he'd said came to mind. Her hand rose to her mouth covering it. He thought he wouldn't be enough for them. A feeling Ziva had known as well growing up, the pain and shame of knowing you'll never be enough. When she had been pregnant with Eden she had promised to her and all her future children that she would not let them grow up like that. They should have been able to do what they love, and get her support. Yet, here was her son in front of her, saying he hope she would still find him enough still love him. She had failed as a mother.

When the tears started to stream down her face Nathan thought he had his answer. Eden had been wrong. She didn't see him as himself anymore. He wasn't enough anymore. It hit him deep in his heart and he couldn't stay. He almost jumped from the couch grabbed his school bag that was still by the door opened the door and at the last minute he grabbed his jacket before running out. Into the night.

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	3. Chapter 3

Ziva couldn't move, she sat frozen on the couch. She couldn't even tore her eyes from the space she had been starring at until she heard the front door close with a bang. From frozen she went to action. She jumped up from the couch and ran after her son. Tearing the door open she called after him "Nathan!" It was already dark and she couldn't see him anymore "Nathan!" she called again, but her son was already gone.

Ziva did hear footsteps coming from the top of the stairs slowly coming down. Again she stood frozen now in the door post.

"Mom?" The voice of Eden came from behind her. "Mom what happened?"

"I let him go…..I let him down" she whispered more to herself than as an answer to Eden. A deep breath as she collected herself again. "Eden make sure Rachel doesn't wake up, I'm going to find your brother"

Just as Ziva was stepping outside Eden grabbed her arm. "Mom, Nate is gone, let him cool off, I'll call him in a bit. Just come back inside."

It was not normal for a daughter to take care like this for her mother but in this moment daughter comforted her mother as they walked to the couch. After a moment of silence Eden had to ask.

"What did you say to Nate? Why did he run out?"

"I don't know honey. I…I did not see this coming"

After having been through a lot with her brother through the years they kept the secret together Eden could not stay calm. Had her mother, the one she trusted all her boys trouble and a lot more to, let her brother down?

"So what? You told him he had to leave? You started crying?"

"Of course not Eden! I love all three of you, no matter what you chose or who you want to be."

"Then why did you start crying? Is him being a dancer really so bad?"

"You knew?" Ziva asked her daughter "How long?"

"I've known since I caught him secretly trying to practice my dance routine years ago. But it was Nathan's choice not to tell you or dad. I tried to convince him many times before to tell you but he was scared. Scared of how you would react. And I told him you would be okay with it. He trusted me when I told him to tell you but I guess I was wrong."

"I know you think I let your brother down Eden but I didn't"

"Then why are you talking to me and not to Nate?"

A deep sigh from Ziva. "I never expected Nathan to tell me this, and I know I let him down but Eden please call your brother, I need to talk to him."

Knowing she wouldn't get an answer from her mother she took her cell phone from her pocket and dialed a number she knew without thinking.

Ring.

Ring.

"Nate?" she asked as she heard the call connect. "You okay?"

"I guess"

"Nate don't try to be tough. I talked to mom, she wants you to come home"

"And I wanted a mother that loves me no matter what."

"I know Nate but"

"No you don't know, cause you"

"Nate please, mom's here she wants to talk to you."

"I don't want to speak to her. I'll see you tomorrow in school"

She knew that Nathan wanted to throw the phone down so Eden quickly checked

"Are you safe?"

A deep sigh "Yes, I'm with Josh from dance, I'm safe."

Then the line was disconnected.

"He doesn't want to talk"

"I heard as much, I cannot blame him. But is he safe?"

"Yes, he is staying with…a friend. He'll cool down over night."

Then Eden stood up and bid a goodnight to her mother.

"Eden" Ziva called her back while standing up and walking to her daughter. Enfolding her in a hug and whispering in her ear. "Never forget how much I love you Eden. I may not have been the best mother to you but I love you, for who you are and for who you want to be"

A soft smile on her lips Eden whispered "I know" before she turned around and left to go to bed.

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